September 26, 2002

It’s now 9:30 at night and I’m trying to sleep but I have so many things running through my mind that it’s kind of hard to. I was thinking about what we discussed in my first step. And I have to say that when I first sat down to do my first step, it was hard for me because I had to think back. And a lot of the memories that surfaced, I had actually forgot about or just not thought about for some time.

See, now that I’m clean, I can remember everything. When I was getting high, I couldn’t. Things are more clear today.

When we spoke, I feel I didn’t really express myself well but now that I can take a minute and think back, I remember what I felt like at the time.

It’s not that I was cold and had no feelings at the time because I did. It’s just that almost on a daily basis when I was out there for a period of time at my worst, crazy shit happened all the time. It was just what happened when living that life style. Not that it was normal, but expected I guess.

But I reacted calmly in a lot of situations because I had no fear. I wasn’t afraid to die. I felt so depressed and hopeless that I didn’t care if I died. Some nights, I would pray to God not to let me awake.

And when you ask why they didn’t kill me, well, I don’t always think their intention is to kill me but to just get what they want and then go.

Like for example, those men who were shot were specific targets for a reason. They fucked someone over, you know. Drug deal gone bad. They got what they wanted. And after it happened, I just fled out. I guess I was shocked for a while. And I stayed away from the particular area for some time.

But I can’t say I was never involved in putting a pistol to someone else. Me and my boyfriend each used to carry a gun and I drove him to the spots where he would get out and put the gun to the dealer’s head and rob him. I mean I didn’t put it to their head but I did drive the car. So I guess I was just as guilty. I mean, after all that, how could I go and let it be down to someone else. I was just strung out. I don’t think he would’ve shot him. He just wanted what he wanted. But then again, you never know with my ex-boyfriend. Something can go wrong. It’s a risk you take.

But overall, God was with me at all times. Even though I left Him at times, He never left me. And whatever I did in the past, I have to forgive myself for today and realize that it wasn’t me. It was me on drugs.

 I did some of the things I did because I had to at the time. At least I felt I had to. And whatever I went through in my life, good or bad, I can’t cry about today. Maybe I needed to go through that to get where I am today and just to make me stronger. I mean, I can’t dwell in the past but also I can’t forget where I came from. I have to keep it in my mind for every time I want to get high.

Every time I want to get high, I just think back to walking the streets…

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